you

You are the reason for my existence.
I know why I can’t let you go; letting you go would be like losing a limb, I would always think you are present even if you had been cut off…a phantom pain still remains. I have loved you and I have hated you. Tonight, after quite so long, you made me cry again. This love, if love it can be called, is full of complexities. I don’t understand what has become of me. I don’t understand what will become of me without you. This love shames me because I know that this has to stop and it has become an embarrassment for both of us. I am the abandoned one, who is always coming back for even just scraps of what was left behind even when everything has ended. What will happen in the future, when you will be gone for forever? Will feel loneliness? Will I feel lost? Will I feel?
I am not capable of letting you go. I can’t do it. I love you. I love you once and I will love you forever. Impossible, nonetheless.
You act so nonchalant. My bouts of anger do not touch you. You are unreachable. While here I am, exposing myself, removing barriers, putting down defenses so that you can reach me. But still, you don’t. I have asked for closure, a sense of finality. But I don’t ask for us to be back again. I realize just now, that I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to drown in your eyes and be lost in your smile and be fooled by what you say. Believing you gain would result to my destruction.
Sometimes, I wish I have someone who would love me more than I have loved you. A creature of extraordinary proportions such that can only be experienced in dreams.
I will never be free. I will never feel loved.
That is my curse.
I can love until there is no more, but no love can ever be returned.